…being a mum can be lonely

Today is not a good day. 

I woke up feeling so productive, I even cleaned my fridge before 8am! (All we have now is cheese, milk and mystery sauce!) 

Everything was going to plan!

Finally it was my turn to eat. The Boy was fed, the Husband’s lunch was made. I sat down and a familiar voice piped up ‘can you iron my clothes?’ No problem, I’ll eat after. Next a familiar sound…time for a nappy change! He has to wait, I’m doing something. That doesn’t go down well so now I’m being bitten and smacked (by the Boy, not the Husband)! How dare I not attend to his every need right away?! Sorted him out, now he’s crying because he’s tired (again, the Boy not the Husband). Make the bottle, snuggle him down…let the fight commence.

We do not like naps! So, I alone, struggle trying to hold him, to wind him, rock him, put him down (nope that definitely doesn’t work)! I alone suffer through the smacks, the bites, the tears. Now, I alone, am trapped under a sleeping boy because he’s allergic to his cot (and the least some he’s andtsleep, right)! Still haven’t eaten by the way and, worst of all to an English person, still no brew! 

I alone listen to the whirling criticism in my mind…it’s your fault he’s like this, he should have a routine, why don’t you just let him cry while you eat, don’t give into him, the Husband’s only trying to help, don’t be a queen bitch.

I alone am feeling another day slipping sway into a swamp of dirty nappies, making food (not for me, might I add), cleaning, fighting nap times, food shopping, cooking again. 

I alone am wishing myself back to the early days when everything seemed so easy.

I can’t even go out because the Boy is still an infectious ball of spots and even when they are gone, I won’t dare go out until he is the perfect vision of health for fear I will be judged by Mummy Mafia!

I need perspective! Crying on the stairs never solved anyone’s problems! Chocolate does though! And wine…wine is good but 9am may be a little too early! 

Now he’s awake again. The little shit is smiling at me like nothing every happened! 

Although, when I think about it…am I ever alone anymore?! Wherever I go, I have a teeny tiny shadow. They are right…going to the bathroom by myself is considered a luxurious victory! 

Maybe that’s the problem…the more demanding the Boy is becoming, the less I’m looking after myself. Weirdly, the less time I have to myself, the more alone I feel. 

Sitting here feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to do any good. Silver linings, at least now he’s awake I can put the kettle on! Fair enough, he will try steal my brew but I might get a bit! 

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