…to just ask for help!

We have had a poorly Little Man this weekend. Lots of tears, general grumpiness and fitful sleep. The Boy didn’t know where to put himself and, by the end, neither did I. I was exhausted but still keeping up with all the daily chores, creating new items for MammaKnows…, taking care of my husband; you know the drill. When bedtime drew round, the sight of my peaceful child was absolute bliss.

This was not to last!

Cut to me: on the sofa, ungodly hour of the night, waiting for him to fall asleep again and working my way through the never-ending list of recently added rom-coms! Thank you T.V Gods for Netflix! As I sat there, watching him fight to keep his tiny eyes open, I thought over what I would remember for next time. Biggest lesson…ask for help!

Before I had eventually accepted that my attempts to put the Boy back to sleep were totally futile, I had looked over at my husband. I wanted to suffocate him with the damn pillow he was sleeping so soundly upon! I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have done it, but I was certainly considering my options 😉

Thinking about it after, something struck me…

how was he supposed to know I was desperate for help? I’m 99.9% certain my Newborn didn’t come with a side of telepathy! I can’t act as if I can cope all by myself, thank you very much, then be pissed off when he carries on as normal.

He saved himself, however, with offers to take over and by sending me back to bed the next day.  I am lucky to have someone I can turn to and that he knows me well enough to see through my act!

Next time, though, I’m will be taking my own advice!

Even Superwoman has help!

 

 

 

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…it’s all a bit surreal!

So…I’m sitting here watching my little boy (MY little boy!) bouncing around and it still all feels a bit surreal! I look at him and think all the usual things: where has the time gone; how much has he changed;no way is he doing that already. Still, though, I have moments where I can’t believe he’s really mine; like I’m just babysitting!

I was told that being pregnant gives you time to physically and mentally prepare to have a baby. Where did that load of nonsense come from! Ok, physically maybe and I can certainly deal with all manner of things now that would have turned my stomach before being pregnant; but mentally…not a chance!

When he was first born, I was consciously dealing with so many new experiences all the time.  Our daily cycle used to be logged religiously for fear I’d forget to feed him or notice how many nappies I’d changed! Now the every day things come without thinking about them. Now I actually have time to stop and think.

But still…when does this all start to feel real?

Does it ever? Am I going to be watching my toddler/my teenager/my grown up baby feeling like it’s a bit of a dream? I wonder if it’s this way with your first because it’s all so new?

I guess only time will tell!

 

…easy choices are rare!

Life is full of choices. Cliche statement but there you go…its true!

Once upon a time, my biggest dilemma was where to go for dinner or where to book for a weekend away. My choices were so egocentric but now, the decisions I make will affect how a whole new person will grow up, think, behave, see the world. The scariest part…the affect of some of them won’t be evident for years!

So, recently, the Boy has learnt to throw tantrums! Full on, screaming, fist thumping, hand banging tantrums! Very rare but still…WTF! How do you deal with that? What choice am I going to make about that? You can’t reason with a 6 month old. You can talk them down. My choice…do I remain calm and wait for him to calm down? Do I pick him up and cuddle him and try to fix it? Either way, someone has an opinion about it. If I leave him, is that self-soothing? I f I comfort him, is that rewarding his behaviour?

My instinct is to comfort him ,so that’s what I do. My instinct is guiding my choices. What do you do when you instinct is conflicted…head vs heart? For instance, going back to work. I love my job and where I work and I love being a full time mum. How do you reconcile that? What is the right choice? Practically, going back to work makes sense. Some days I’m totally comfortable with going back and other days I’m filled with doubt: what if he is hurt, what if he is sad and wants me, what if he likes it better there than home!

He’s only 6 months old and I know my choices will get more complicated, more difficult to call and some choices I thought I had might be taken away from me. Luckily, I don’t have to make them on my own and I’m sure pretty soon my independent child will be putting his own 2 cents in! Until then, I guess I’ll just take each choice one at a time and hope it doesn’t cost him too much in therapy!

…becoming a family takes time.

A little while ago, over our first real post baby ‘date night’, my husband asked me if it was easier looking after the Boy by myself. Probably was a little too emphatic in my response; ‘oh good god yes’, was more than likely not what he was looking for! 

At the time, we were still finding our feet in our new roles as Mummy and Daddy. Trying to work out how to fit together all the ‘sides’ of us; ourselves, parents, a couple, friends…Some days, it felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions and that something  or someone was being neglected. It was so much easier flying solo because I only had to concentrate on one person. I only had to please one person.

I had prepared myself for a lot of things while I was pregnant,  but not this. There was a period of time, when my son was around 3 months old, where I would feel more stressed when he was there than when he wasn’t! My guilt about it that silently lurked was haunting. 

Watching my boys today on their first Father’s Day, I had forgotten I ever felt like that! Now I can’t wait for him to come home and see the Little Man’s face light up when he sees his Daddy! I no longer feel the constant pull between my role as a mum and a wife. We both know what we expect of each other. For now, we have the unwritten rules of our lives sorted! We have dropped into a nice rhythm to our lives.

We have become a family.